“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
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Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off