1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
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Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.