I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
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[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Proctology is located in A55
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
motivation
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
How to wake up a Beagle
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”