When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
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That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.