“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
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After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.