Finally
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Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!