[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
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Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
“you recording!?”
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
I have no passwords left in me
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.