[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
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Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
If only.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk