[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
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taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
❤️🦆
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
My loaf of bread looks terrified
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS