I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
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When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.