Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
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I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever