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When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
yea so i messed up lol
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.