hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
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When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
My love language is hissing.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*