I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
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Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Perfect.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?