It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
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I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.