Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
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If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”