FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
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The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group