Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
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Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Most fashion shows these days…
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??