Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
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As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
This could’ve been an email.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
I’m listening
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Sheep
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.