A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
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Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
When someone says you are so lazy
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.