Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
You Might Also Like
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
h
a
a
a
t
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”