In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
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Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.