Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
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Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
prepare for carbonated trouble
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.