Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
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The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
This could’ve been an email.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.