You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
You Might Also Like
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.