Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
You Might Also Like
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?