Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
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“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Guy who likes music
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.