My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
You Might Also Like
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Feel. He’s so soft.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Waiting for the Charmin
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.