me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
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8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
I love twitter
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Wise advice
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
real
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle