[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
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[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name