Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
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Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
My inexpensive home security system…
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
When someone trying to leave me
*seductively corrects your posture*
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.