Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
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i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man