Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
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I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
I don’t make the rules sorry
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.