[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
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My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Education is vital
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.