Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
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The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Breaking news:
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.