Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
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north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Is this you?