I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
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Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Me too door. Me too.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats