If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
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Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Bread puns are on the rise!
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!