Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
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9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.