Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
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My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
I’m good, thanks.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015