I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
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You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?