I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
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According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.