I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
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i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
dogs can find happiness so easily
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI