Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
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Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
the Monday after daylight savings
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.