“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
You Might Also Like
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
My dog ate my work from home.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.