i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
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Finally a use for spoilers…
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.