That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
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If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Ugh
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.