It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
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“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
“i am a sweet baby”
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!