Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
You Might Also Like
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
This is a bad sign
What an awful time to have common sense.
Whoa… oh I see lol
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir