Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
You Might Also Like
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that